Midday lattes are receiving criticism, particularly as a first date choice. Personally, I find meeting for coffee on a first date appealing. It offers a relaxed, informal setting to connect with someone new. This person hasn’t yet earned the prime Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night slots. A coffee date is an ideal way to determine if they merit a full evening. However, on TikTok, this common date idea has become contentious. Some claim it’s an unacceptable, low-effort gesture, labeling it a red flag. These dramatic views can be traced back to one woman’s story.
Recently, a TikTok user named “Ashlei With An I” shared her refusal of a coffee date proposal. “I’m not going to argue with you about how you like to date…but coffee is never going to be an option for me,” she stated. In the comments, others who dislike coffee dates agreed, calling them “low effort.” One supporter remarked, “Know your worth and stand on it. Don’t let these pick mes and broke men make you feel bad for it. I would’ve turned it down too. Asking someone on a coffee date is low effort and insulting.”
I respect Ashlei With An I’s stance that her opinion is personal and shouldn’t dictate others’ dating preferences. I also reject the misogynistic comments suggesting she should be grateful for any date offer. Nonetheless, I am a firm supporter of coffee dates. As Ashlei noted, they are low-effort, cost-effective, and casual, which I find appealing. Critics argue that coffee dates are too casual and indicate a lack of seriousness in pursuing a connection. Another common critique on TikTok is the perceived cheapness of these dates, suggesting that if a man isn’t willing to spend much on the first date, he may not be invested in your happiness later.
However, not everyone who can afford expensive dates has good intentions. This rationale doesn’t prioritize your time and well-being enough for my taste. Why sacrifice a full night for someone you barely know? A midday meetup also avoids post-date assumptions. If there’s no chemistry, there’s no expectation to continue the date at 2 p.m., unlike at 10 p.m., where leaving can be awkward.
Professional matchmaker April Davis believes those against coffee dates need a new perspective. “Fancy dinners and Instagram-worthy aesthetics don’t guarantee a real connection. They can actually mask it,” she explains. “You can’t hide behind a romantic atmosphere on a coffee date. There are fewer distractions, allowing you to discover if there’s a genuine connection. They’re also efficient! A quick 30-minute meetup saves both people’s time if the chemistry isn’t there.”
Dating expert Dr. Wendy Walsh acknowledges why some might feel slighted by a coffee date proposal. “Many women like to see a man sacrifice for them,” she says. “Spending money on an official date makes some women feel courted. It’s an age-old strategy that may not always apply today, with many women earning more than men.”
She still views coffee dates as a great precursor to an evening date. If you’re not interested in a coffee date, Wendy suggests using a “communication sandwich.” “Start with positivity, then share the difficult part, and end with more positivity,” Wendy advises. “This prevents defensiveness. You might say: ‘That sounds like a great idea, but I don’t think I’m ready to try that yet. How about we go (add event idea)? No matter where we end up, it’ll be fun to hang with you.'”
There’s no single correct way to date, so follow what makes you comfortable. Meeting someone for a matcha latte doesn’t mean you lack self-respect. “Coffee dates don’t imply accepting the bare minimum,” April notes. “They say, ‘I value my time, but I also value meeting you.'”